Surely being focused doesn’t make me selfish?

Readers' comments (21)

• Anonymous | 14-Jun-2009 8:42 am

  I would like to say many of us face the same struggles in our every day life, but rather than write a blog which would have taken a few hours to do, wouldn't time be better spent resolving issues at home?

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• Anonymous | 14-Jun-2009 9:57 am

  I wonder if this comment was made in practice or by someone more personal. It seems to have hit the mark. Do you feel that any of it is justified? If so it seems a reappraisal of your life and values is needed.
  I'm not sure there is a 'right time' to undertake a nursing course when you have children. Mine were older teens and although I received a lot of comments along the lines of "what a good idea to wait until they are more independent" I personally think it would have been easier when they were younger, as at least I would have known who they were with, and that they were safely tucked up in bed if I was on nights! My partner was, and continues to be my rock. Always there for the children if I couldn't be. If you and he are having problems it follows that the children will suffer.
  I have also loved my course, but I would not have risked my relationship, or my children's happiness to finish it. They will always come first and my nursing is the icing on the cake. Good luck.

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• Anon | 14-Jun-2009 10:43 am

  Like the person above I waited until my children were older but I respect you for doing your training now.
  Sometimes I wish I had done like you and done my training when I was younger however the time was not right.
  If you are enjoying the course and you are well organise don't let anyone upset you because you can have both and it will make your relationship with your children special.
  I too have learn alot about myself and such has finding out that I am dyslexic and is now half way though my course and have not fail any of my examines, which has brought me great joy.
  So I say to you keep holding your chin up and don't let anyone make you feel gulity or stop you from achieveing your goals because you did not take this course on lightly or to quit no time will ever be the right time.
  This is an opportunity that you may not have again because there will always be something that will happen even if you were working and once you are qualified you will be able to do the hours that are suitable to you and your children.
  But remember that to keep harmony with your partner because it needs both of you to raise your children. You both will have all the time together so do not let an argument get in the way of your relationship always try and sort things out before going to bed. One thing you have learnt in this course is how important communication is so why don't you remember that and enjoy the course because you have worked hard to get this far.
  I also wish you all the best in both your professional and personal life because you both will make it.

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• Julia B | 14-Jun-2009 11:13 am

  I completed my nurse training nearly 5 years ago. My girls at the time were 4 and 6 years when I started. Like the writer people commented to me. I took time with my girls, I requested only early shifts in the week so that i could read them bed time stories, my husband was often not home early as he is self employed so it was imperative that i did that to show them that they were loved. My evenings were spent studying and Sunday was my family day. We made sure that we had a 2 week holiday every year and based it around activites that we all love. Like the writer my husband was, and still is extremely supportive and proud of me. I hardly spoke to him sometimes, we made the effort to eat meals together with the girls as much as possible. Now, looking back I have no idea how I juggled it all, but on discussing it with my girls who are now happy, well balanced confident 12 and 14 years olds. They tell me they think my job is good, they like to tell their friends what their mum does, they remember the bed time stories, they loved the cuddles, they say that it hasnt affected them, they feel and know that they are loved. My younger daughter says that it showed her that you have to work hard to gain anything good in life. It has pushed both of them into looking at respectible careers, one wants be be a police officer, the other working within forensics, I dont know if my training while they were young has influenced this but I do know that they are not resentful and they have not missed out. So I say to you ignore the critics, work and play hard and show your children what you can do!

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• MELVIN NICHOLSON | 14-Jun-2009 1:02 pm

  As a first year student nurse studying at the same university as you, I feel that I'm more able to reply to your blog in a more personal way because I actually know you.
  
  I have said before and no doubt will again to every mother (and father if they're the main carer of the children) that is undertaking the three year nursing course whilst they have young children at home, that I'm not sure how you manage both roles in your life.
  
  I also know how hard you work and how hard you study and also how much you dot on your children and to hear someone say to you what they did, leaves me assuming that they don't know you well enough (or indeed at all, for I do not know who made this remark).
  
  All I know is that you're an excellent student nurse who puts her heart and soul into her placements and studies whilst being a fantastic mother. Okay, so you're not there every waking moment to interact and develop your children into civilised human beings, but my mother was and she was shockingly bad in the role of motherhood, so much so that we haven't spoken since 1991.
  
  My opinion, for what's it's worth is the important aspect of being a parent is offering your children quality time and not quantity of time. This I know, you have balanced very well as a student nurse and a mother combined and for a single guy with no kids such as myself, I applaude all that you do and in the way that you do it.
  
  It's a pleasure to know you Katie, keep on doing what you do.

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• Claudette Morle | 14-Jun-2009 10:57 pm

  I am from Jamaica
  I have 3 kids, i went to nursing school when they were ages 4,5 and 14, I had to live on school campus for 2 years, I always go home on weekends and sometimes in the week, weekends were very special for us , we would have quality time, i was also a part of the PTA executive body for the smaller children, i am now working for 1 1\2 years now, my eldest has just completed her A levels, and the younger ones are well adjusted, what i do with my children we would have family meetings, I would inform them of changes, such as going to school, (their daddy worked overseas for approx 6 months per year). Yes I do miss certain times with my children but i try to make the most of the weekends when I was at home. Do not let anybody's comment put you down, When my daughter started high school I decided that I need to show her that she can be whoever she wants to be, because if I can do it she can too. So go for what you want and continue to love and take care of your children and your spouse while you get your career!!!!

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• Wendy Whitton | 15-Jun-2009 4:42 am

  I am in awe of anyone who can do both.
  I waited until my children had left home before studying nursing, and I struggle at times.
  Good on you for having goals.
  Don't allow anyone to make you feel bad about your choices.
  Everyone has an opinion, but you are the one who is living your life.
  Go for it.

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• Lyndy Paxton | 15-Jun-2009 9:07 am

  I can appreciate your feelings, as I know I contemplated returning to nursing whilst my daughter was younger. However your comments and feelings do not just apply to student nurses, as though I was not doing my training I was studying and then working. It is hard being a working mother (in any area) but I can appreciate that it is much harder to do training with the combination of both studying and working. I am now in my third year of studying but have been supporting my teenage daughter at the same time. I agree there is no right time to do it, but making sure there is time for your family (as you are doing) is important.

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• Anonymous | 15-Jun-2009 1:28 pm

  I also did my nurse training several years ago now when my children were very young (my son was 2), and I am dismayed at the negative comments this person has given you. This can only be an expression of their own insecurities and perhaps jealousy. I never received anything like this (although I often wondered if some staff on placements thought it), and most treated me like any other student nurse. My son is now 20 & my daughter will soon be leaving school and of course there are times when I look back & wish that i had spent more time with them when they were younger, however I would have had to work anyway, so why not do something fulfilling & that I enjoyed? My children have not suffered from it & my son is an independent, responsible young man. Since qualiyfing, there have been very few opportunities for further academic study due to training funding cutbacks etc. until I took a couse recently, and I then wondered if would have been able to under take the commitment of nurse training at this stage in my life if I hadn't already done it when my children (and I) were younger & I had more energy! So enjoy your training, treasure your time with children & try not to take your partner too much for granted!

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• Anonymous | 15-Jun-2009 3:49 pm

  Well done Katrina! I too have two children and am due to qualify this august. My kids were 8months and 5yo when i started and I still dont know how i've managed it!
  
  Yes, you've got to be organised.
  Yes, you've got to spend QUALITY time with your children.
  Yes, my husband breathes a sigh of relief when a placement ends or i am on annual leave.
  No, these things dont make you a bad mother or a bad nurse.
  
  i've loved my training and cant beleive its almost over but i'm definately looking forward to a couple of months of being a fulltime housewife and mum before(hopefully) finding a job!!
  
  keep going, the end is in sight,
  all the best

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• Anonymous | 15-Jun-2009 8:52 pm

  Actually yes it does.
  
  I realise that this opinion may go against the popular grain, and I am not out to offend anyone here.
  
  But I believe that if you decide to have children, then you MUST make certain sacrifices for that choice. By all means come back into it when your children are older, say late childhood/early teens, but as a child that parent/child bond is SO important, yet many women are simply abandoning it for the sake of 'pursuing their career' because they have been socialised into believing you can have both.
  
  Heres a news flash. You cant. If you try and have both, one or both WILL suffer.
  
  I personally have decided to go for my career at the moment, and have made the concious decision NOT to have kids because my drive to finish my course and settle in a good nursing career will get in the way of me being a good father to any child, so I am putting it off until I know I can devote my full attention to that child and scale back my hours.

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• Anonymous | 16-Jun-2009 11:19 am

  I started nurse traing when my children were at school and being a single parent I made sure there was always backup child care. If the children are happy what is the problem I do not think you are being selfish. Having to juggle children and study can be a valuable experience because when you qualify you will grateful of the past experience of having to do this because at times you will be rushed off your feet at work having torun a wrd etc.

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• Dawn Christine Corsar | 16-Jun-2009 8:32 pm

  I'm just finishing my last placement of my first whirlwind year of training and am a 30 year old single mum to two beautiful boys aged 8 and 1. I am truly lucky to have the amazing support of my wonderful Mum, without whom I would certainly not have got this far.
  
  I have thoroughly enjoyed this first year and can't wait for more but must confess that as things have quietened down on the course (as shortlived as that will be!) as deadlines have been met and my coursework is up to date I have found myself asking what on earth has just happened?!
  
  After spending 11 years as a medic in the RAF I thought I was able to accomplish anything but it seems I have only just realised the enormity of what I have actually taken on and while I am totally dedicated to my training and am positive I will complete it, it has also dawned on me how much I NEED to do this for my boys. I'm pretty sure that when I can offer them more becuase of the career I have chosen to pursue they will be grateful and, hopefully, proud of their Mum. Studying, working and being a Mum keeps me busy but I hope I'll be a better nurse and Mum for it and this life beats leaving my kids for six months at a time to go on any operational tour.
  
  People will always offer their two penneth and while some comments will hurt, we must remember why we're doing this crazy thing and live for the time we spend with them because all of it is precious, precious, precious.
  
  Good luck.

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• Anonymous | 17-Jun-2009 9:01 am

  If taking the opportunity to start a career which will ultimately provide the means (ie money) to support your family then how can that be seen as being selfish?
  
  None of us know what is around the corner - partners may leave/die or lose jobs, circumstances may change meaning you never get the chance to do this again and also children are far more able to cope with things than we give them credit for.
  
  I was lucky enough to finish my training, marry and then have my children, but it is equally hard being pregnant once you are a staff nurse. I have also been a single parent so understand the complexities of this only too well.
  
  By chosing nursing as a career your children will have you as a role model and they will grow up watching you study, attending work regularly and working hard. This will influence them in a positive way, especially if you continue to have a passion for study.
  
  As for the previous comment:
  
  "I personally have decided to go for my career at the moment, and have made the concious decision NOT to have kids because my drive to finish my course and settle in a good nursing career will get in the way of me being a good father to any child, so I am putting it off until I know I can devote my full attention to that child and scale back my hours."
  
  - well, as a ward manager, I wish him luck in finding a post which will allow him to scale back his hours and still support a family - or will his wife/partner be working?
  
  My husband is also a nurse, we are both Bands 6/7 but with 3 children could not reduce our hours enough for it to have any impact on the time we spend with the children. And who would be the one to reduce their time? Neither of us could continue in post effectively as part-time due to the grade/speciality of the roles & a change of post would likely be a lower grade - so lower salary - so harder to manage.
  
  Katrina, you just keep going and maybe when you qualify I'll give you a job!

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• Kate Hutchcraft | 17-Jun-2009 1:31 pm

  As a parent it's difficult to come to terms with the fact that your kids won't remember much of their early childhood.
  
  When I was 5 and my brother was 3 my Dad went to university. I don't remember him being stressed although he undoubtedly was, I don't remember going without new toys although my parents REALLY struggled, I assume that Dad often missed mornings and bedtimes and bathtimes but again, I don't remember that because I was so young at the time. One strange memory that I have of being young is of camping every year and eating tinned ravioli (it was my favourite food) but I didn't understand that I was eating tinned ravioli because my parents had a limited food budget or that we only went camping because my parents couldn't afford a holiday abroad. I had no concept of money or the value of posessions.
  
  I do remember that in my late childhood / early teens Dad my family often had holidays and treats and day trips that Dad would not have been able to afford without doing the course. I only ever remember my Dad being full of the pride and confidence that doing an important, worthwhile job which afforded our family a comfortable lifestyle.
  
  I think if Dad had waited to do his training then I would have been far more aware of the fact that I was going without and my memories of a time of family hardship would be more vivid.
  
  Keep your chin up and remember that when you feel your kids may be missing out at the moment you're doing this to improve your family's quality of life as they grow older.

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  denise baxter | 18-Jun-2009 1:07 pm

  I wonder if there is ever an optimum time to take on any task or training. To inject the words selfish into any discussion about what you are doing is to inject an emotional time bomb. You are ultimately responsible for your decisions both as a mother and partner in your relationship and also as a nurse. It is an emotional timebomb which will cause shock waves either immediately or gnaw away at you slowly or even both. It is not always very practical to listen to people making these types of emotional comments. Sometimes you have to stand back and analyse what is their reason for making such a comment. Why do they say these things what are they hoping to achieve? Is it really relevant?
  
  How is this type of comment driven? Practically what difference does it really make to you. You've made your decision to go into nursing. Any nurse will tell you the other half of the nurse is the supportive family. Some of us are very lucky to have that in place and some nurses do not.
  
  Either way whoever made the comment, seems a little outdated and needs to get in step with the modern world. Whereby, children can benefit, from input from their parent/parents/ grandparents etc. and benefit from playing with peers in childcare. Been there done it got the t-shirt.....and I'm definitely not selfish....Good Luck x

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• Anonymous | 19-Jun-2009 7:14 pm

  "well, as a ward manager, I wish him luck in finding a post which will allow him to scale back his hours and still support a family - or will his wife/partner be working?"
  
  I would like to reply to this.
  
  Have you not heard of part time work then? Or even bank work or agency work? As for the fact that you dont think you could carry on at your current rank with reduced hours, I'm sure you couldn't, that is the sacrifice I was talking about. You can either climb the career ladder and work all the hours you can, or you can have a child. You cant do both, not effectively anyway.

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• Cristiana Neri | 20-Jun-2009 11:27 am

  The subject of women working/taking courses whilst having children is such a divisive one. There should be more solidarity among us! Life is difficult enough for us all on this course and in this profession without having to worry about the negative views of others. I am a student nurse and I know how hard this course is. I am not a mother so I have even more admiration for those of you that do this with kids to raise too. However, when I was growing up my mum did this. She has always had to work and I have always loved her, respected her and understood her reasons.
  Good luck in your training!

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• Anonymous | 27-Jun-2009 8:00 pm

  I started my nurse training the day after my eldest son started school - he was almost 5 and his baby sister was 18 months old. I worked hard both at home and at work and qualified. It was a proud moment! I look at my kids now (12 & 8 & new member 6 months) - and they are happy and well adjusted. No matter what you set out to achieve in life - its all about balance. You go for it girl - it's hard work but you'll succeed. Best of luck.

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• Anonymous | 2-Jul-2009 12:14 pm

  I started my training when my son was just over a year old. My partner had left me and needed to kick start my career so that I could provide for my child and do something I love. As I had to start with an access course it meant the college helped toward my sons nursery fees and this allowed him to mix with other children (he has no siblings or cousins). I had to take a year out during my training ( I worked part time) and am now just about to qualify. My son has just turned 6. He is happy and well adjusted, he's never known our life to be any different. We have a great support network and what makes me really happy about training is the look of pride on my boy's face when he says " My mummy is a nurse". People have berated me for leaving my son 'early', however I'm sure they'd have plenty to say had I claimed benefits as was my right to do so, and sat around until he was 16. Nobody has the right to take away your right to train, everyone does it for their own reasons and it's a worthy career in need of dedicated and caring people. I proud to be joining this fantastic profession.

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