Nurses will be replaced by evil robots - you have been warned

30 October, 2009 | By Gabriel Fleming

Following a fine tradition of blowing a legitimate topic of debate out of all proportion, Beyond the Bedpan has its say on downgrading nurse roles. It’s not pretty

Nursing ain’t easy. As if the pay freeze and workplace bullying weren’t enough, nurses woke up this week to the news that they are all going to be replaced by robots. While this sentence is sensationalist and not actually true, as is Beyond the Bedpan’s privilege, some hospital trusts have ruled in their penny-pinching wisdom that many band five nurses are bascially expendable.

The argument is that cheaper, less qualified staff could just as easily do some of the tasks, and that the rise of the machines… sorry I mean developments in telehealth, have made certain tasks easier, and therefore suitable for less qualified staff.

The official line is that this is “a major trust-wide organisational development programme with workforce modernisation at its heart”. But read between the lines and you will discover something altogether more sinister.

Nurses are obviously the cream of humanity. So if robots can do the work of the finest humans, where will it all end?

Taken to its logical conclusion, it can only mean one thing. Nurses, and eventually the entire human race, will be replaced by evil androids. So make the most of your journey into work today. Because tomorrow that fine scenery could be trampled underfoot by machines, their huge robotic limbs eclipsing the sun and turning your town into a darkened wasteland.

And it won’t stop there. The seven wonders of the world will be mere footstools to our new rulers, and as the last surviving humans are sent down the mines to die a slow and lonely death, they’ll think of this day, and wish they had done something about it.

So Beyond the Bedpan would like to add saving the world to its already impressive CV, and urge you all to act now, before it’s too late.

Readers' comments (15)

Anonymous | 31-Oct-2009 9:17 am
Why dont they (being who, can we guess) replace politicians or other professions with robots? Then what?
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Gillian Duncan | 31-Oct-2009 11:36 am
they (whoever they are), if they do get to do this will find that chaos will prevail. Nurses are sentient beings who can judge how a patient feels, robots cant feel emotion.

Gillian
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Graham Dalton | 31-Oct-2009 11:44 am
LOL! Nurses haver already been replaced with evil robots in my Acute Trust. I think they come from a company called Cyberdyne!

I don't think it will make much differencve as it is the HCAs that do all the real work, :-)
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Anonymous | 1-Nov-2009 0:50 am
It's all part of the same problem. Sell-off accommodation at hospitals (or indeed the whole hospital) for expensive housing. Then nurses and other staff can't afford to live especially in the early years of their career. Promote an all-graduate nursing profession and find you can't afford the pairs of hands needed?

I for one was most grateful for the exemplary "care" (which is apparently not "nursing") given by the keen enthusiastic HCAs on my recent 10-day stay for emergency surgery. There was precious little "care" from anyone else after an awesome job done by the theatre staff.

So HCA's etc., wear your uniform with pride. You may go on to be registered nurses - remember the true appreciation shown to you by the patients with whom you had time to talk, or hold their hand, or clean them up. We're immensely grateful.

Clinical judgement of a registered nurse to recognise deterioration in a patient? That can't be done hiding behind a nursing station doing whatever is so much more important. N wonder many nurses "felt they were doing jobs that were below their knowledge and skill level". Clearly a tragic waste. But not a reason to undervalue those who are doing a great job.
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margaret mccabe | 1-Nov-2009 10:05 am
Pure honest everyday real nurses use the time doing so called menial tasks such as washing toileting and feeding them.This time allows the qualified professional to properly asses the person. How else will they get to interact with their patient getting to know them physically, mentally, socially, psychologically at times spritually. There simply is no nor can there ever be a substitute for human contact. There are times when a person simply needs someone to listen or to talk to. Someone who cares or indeed might have their own life experiences to relate. This cannot happen with a robot regardless of the amount of memory or programing. This idea was obviously dreamed up by someone who does not possess these human qualities. They should go and get a job working with computers somewhere outside the nursing profession.
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caroline adejo | 1-Nov-2009 3:03 pm
the advocates of robort nursing have limited knowlege of what professional nursing entail; even the technical nursing roles that everybody appreciates can not be taken over by robort and i wonder how many people out there would readily sumit themselves to robort touch.
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Mike Burton | 1-Nov-2009 5:38 pm
Bless.
Scaremongering is all it is. Telehealth enables us to treat the poorly peeps and leave the coping peeps alone to get on without us interferring bods sticking our noses in where we are not required.
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Anonymous | 1-Nov-2009 6:57 pm
Being one who trained with the lady of the lamp herself it is so interesting to hear how other younger members of our profession think in these times of degree nurses.
2 main points - why did we get rid of SENs on the premis that we didnt want a 2 tier profession to then train auxilliary nurses to do the same but without the "enrollment"?
Why did we allow our "leaders" bring in redtape to get in the way of caring for our patients at the bedside where as nurses we should be?
I regularly speak to those at the workface and most seem to sing from the same hymn sheet - too much paperwork/essays/classroom/"professional standing"/government targets etc that takes us away from our patients. Will we ever get back to doing what I certainly joined up to do - look after number one - the patient.
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Anonymous | 1-Nov-2009 11:25 pm
Robot nurses won't need breaks, could work 24hr 7 days/week (with the odd day off for a service and MOT), will never get swine flu and could be programmed to deal calmly with any abuse thrown their way....

This would leave the human nurses loads of time to complete all of the infection control audits, answer the eternally ringing telephone and generally bend over backwards to meet whatever polically driven 'target' is flavour of the month.

Sounds like a wonderful state of affairs
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Glen Humphries | 4-Nov-2009 10:22 am
This is an automatically generated message from one of robots that is about to take over your stupid little world. Be reassured, I like nurses and intend to keep them as pets. Everyone else has had it :o)
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Darren Hodge | 5-Nov-2009 3:17 am
Well I suppose some patients will appreciate it when their new cybernetic nurse say "I'll be back" and does actually return, (though hopefully not to kill them for their part in some future war, theres enough paperwork without having to risk assess that possibility).
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Pat Huxtable | 5-Nov-2009 7:37 pm
Am I too late to ask as to who is 'Beyond the bedpan'?! And why oh why do so mnay of the good submitters do so anonymously?
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Anonymous | 5-Nov-2009 7:54 pm
If it is not true, it has to be a govt. policy.

An evil robot, could be a happier alternative to a nu-labour minister. We are all to be standardized as EU creatures, without God, family, fatherland or curved bananas.

If it is put together like the Eurofighter, I would expect it to be a leg and an arm short or delayed in transport, and way over budget.

The French will have a cheaper one which works better, and the Russians will adopt a quanity has a quality all of its own philosophy.

Things which are not actually true, are mostly from Great Britain, so a market leader with the patent.
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Anonymous | 9-Nov-2009 11:04 pm
I have been nursing for 36 years and my husband predicted robots taking over nursing about 20 years ago. Then, I obviously said that was ridiculous, so how scary is this? At around the same time I was told that no-one is indispensible fromm a senior nurse when a ward I was working on closed. I feel honoured to have been a nurse when we valued patients by name and not by numbers. In fact it is not patient numbers now, but bed numbers.
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Anonymous | 10-Nov-2009 12:16 pm
Strange how when a good few years ago the tasks traditionally carried out by junior doctors were being taken over by nurses. At the time "we" were shaking off our "handmaiden" role and upskilling. Weird now that the same is happening the other way around that there are howls of derision from those who without similar professional progress a decade or two ago would still be seen as the doctor's handmaiden
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