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Nurses will be replaced by evil robots - you have been warned


Following a fine tradition of blowing a legitimate topic of debate out of all proportion, Beyond the Bedpan has its say on downgrading nurse roles. It’s not pretty

Nursing ain’t easy. As if the pay freeze and workplace bullying weren’t enough, nurses woke up this week to the news that they are all going to be replaced by robots. While this sentence is sensationalist and not actually true, as is Beyond the Bedpan’s privilege, some hospital trusts have ruled in their penny-pinching wisdom that many band five nurses are bascially expendable.

The argument is that cheaper, less qualified staff could just as easily do some of the tasks, and that the rise of the machines… sorry I mean developments in telehealth, have made certain tasks easier, and therefore suitable for less qualified staff.

The official line is that this is “a major trust-wide organisational development programme with workforce modernisation at its heart”. But read between the lines and you will discover something altogether more sinister.

Nurses are obviously the cream of humanity. So if robots can do the work of the finest humans, where will it all end?

Taken to its logical conclusion, it can only mean one thing. Nurses, and eventually the entire human race, will be replaced by evil androids. So make the most of your journey into work today. Because tomorrow that fine scenery could be trampled underfoot by machines, their huge robotic limbs eclipsing the sun and turning your town into a darkened wasteland.

And it won’t stop there. The seven wonders of the world will be mere footstools to our new rulers, and as the last surviving humans are sent down the mines to die a slow and lonely death, they’ll think of this day, and wish they had done something about it.

So Beyond the Bedpan would like to add saving the world to its already impressive CV, and urge you all to act now, before it’s too late.


Readers' comments (15)

  • Well I suppose some patients will appreciate it when their new cybernetic nurse say "I'll be back" and does actually return, (though hopefully not to kill them for their part in some future war, theres enough paperwork without having to risk assess that possibility).

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  • Am I too late to ask as to who is 'Beyond the bedpan'?! And why oh why do so mnay of the good submitters do so anonymously?

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  • If it is not true, it has to be a govt. policy.

    An evil robot, could be a happier alternative to a nu-labour minister. We are all to be standardized as EU creatures, without God, family, fatherland or curved bananas.

    If it is put together like the Eurofighter, I would expect it to be a leg and an arm short or delayed in transport, and way over budget.

    The French will have a cheaper one which works better, and the Russians will adopt a quanity has a quality all of its own philosophy.

    Things which are not actually true, are mostly from Great Britain, so a market leader with the patent.

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  • I have been nursing for 36 years and my husband predicted robots taking over nursing about 20 years ago. Then, I obviously said that was ridiculous, so how scary is this? At around the same time I was told that no-one is indispensible fromm a senior nurse when a ward I was working on closed. I feel honoured to have been a nurse when we valued patients by name and not by numbers. In fact it is not patient numbers now, but bed numbers.

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  • Strange how when a good few years ago the tasks traditionally carried out by junior doctors were being taken over by nurses. At the time "we" were shaking off our "handmaiden" role and upskilling. Weird now that the same is happening the other way around that there are howls of derision from those who without similar professional progress a decade or two ago would still be seen as the doctor's handmaiden

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