I know some people disapprove of me doing my nurse training when my children are so young, I wonder at myself at times and ask myself if I should have waited. But I was shocked beyond all comprehension when someone told me I was selfish, career orientated & would walk all over anyone to get what I wanted, including my family. The thing that horrified me the most was that someone had actually formed this opinion of me. I love my children, I love my course. Both of these things make me who I am. But to be personally attacked, to have someone inform me that I was selfish for wanting a career shook me to the core.
I love my nurse training, I know exactly where I want to work when I qualify and I know what path I want my career to take. Surely being focused doesn’t make me selfish?
I love my children, I want them to be proud of me, and I want to give them the best out of life. I want them to grow up knowing they are loved and adored by their mother. Yes, I miss out on parts of their days because I am on placement, yes I may miss getting them up or putting them to bed, I know all this. But the time I do get with them, I file away in my heart so I can look back at them and glow with pride and love and thinking of them gets me though a tough day at placement or university.
My relationship has suffered as I have progressed through the course. But it has suffered because I am stressed as I struggle to cope with all the responsibilities of being a nurse, a mother and a partner. We’ve been together 10 years now, he has supported me and encouraged me when I have bad days, been proud of me when I have good days, cuddled me when I just needed human touch and put up with me when I have been in foul moods. I appreciate everything he does for me, I may not show it and I possibly don’t tell him as often as I should do that I am grateful, but most peoples relationships have ups and downs.
I have done some serious soul searching; it’s not a nice experience having your personality attacked. I will not apologise for wanting to train as a nurse, it is who and what I am. I have missed out on bits of my children’s lives, but I punish myself enough for doing that, I don’t need other people to pile more guilt on. I have my faults, I am strong willed and at times don’t realise that people may not see things the same way I do. I am organised, I have to be. Being organised does not mean I am a threat to other people.
But I will never, ever apologise for, or regret starting this course. I acknowledge that it has changed me, I have grown and developed and some people may not like these changes. But the thing is, I am happy with who I am. I have looked at myself; I have acknowledged my faults and changed what I can. I have realised that I can’t please everyone. Two things make me who I am, my children and my course. Just because I am a mother of 2 young children, I am not less of a nurse. Just because I am a Nurse, I am not less of a mother. I am both intertwined.